february

tips of pines

cathedral spires

in all of the stillness and quiet

i don’t think i believe in unconditional love- i think i am a monster- i’m scared of being lonely. shame and pride are two sides of the same coin that is always spinning. i don’t believe in unconditional love, everything is a give and take.

ebeneezers. the psalmist recalls and grasps with white knuckles. how do i remember? how do i tie tethers and drop anchors along the way? i paint and write and incarnate and say things with my mouth to the people i love and hurt them and hurt myself but then try again. try again. ebb and flow. when you miss the tide you wait. and let it happen all over again as the waters are pulled to the moon inextricably. the waters follow the moon.

yellow tiles in the tiny shower

bugs flitting through the open window

night sounds drifting in

estoy donde estan mis pies

when i was younger i thought that i would have all the answers

i thought i already had most of them

i just have more questions

i don’t know anything

i don’t understand anything

thats all i have now

questions

but it’s okay, because i’m trying, you know. and i’ll be okay and we’ll all be okay and it might not always be the most beautiful thing but i think it’ll work. sometimes this blog just feels like an aa group, just sitting around saying all the thoughts and the hard things and the things that don’t make sense and the things that make me smile. thanks for letting me share. all my butterflies and caterpillars and dragonflies and beetles and worms crawling out of my mouth. look upon the beauty. look upon the horror. i am human. i am human. dirt and dust and skin and blood and bone. dirt and dust.