rotting figs
grief
too many pretty words, i’m sorry they are rotting in my mouth and everything is stale and damp and unsettled
shall i tell it to you plainly
I feel stuck
It’s winter in the north and everything is a gray blur
Why am I here again
Why is there so much grief when I thought this was a beginning
Why do I hurt all over
I’m cold and lonely and I miss you
There are too many trees
Too many skeletons
Do you even care
If my heart beats
Lovergirl where do you hurt
All over
Scraped knees and elbows
Bruises staining my skin
Blue and green and purple
Circles around my eyes
The trees are just somber nuns
Sometimes
I wish I were porcelain
I want to shatter instead of bruise
Entertainment value my friend
Wraps on my wrists
My knuckles bleeding through
Look at me
I’m just tired and sore and angry in a numb way
I’m angry that I’m still here
I’m angry that there are flaws
And I don’t want to fix them
I’m lonely
In the empty way
Will you be with me
In the filling way
Or will you just stand there
And never understand me
And make everyone laugh and make them all want to be your friend
I’m just existing
Bare minimum
Skeleton of a tree
Will you at least call it pretty
Even though it’s rotting inside
Sometimes decomposition is a beautiful thing
How am I supposed to choose joy when I hyperfixate on death
How am I supposed to laugh when I only do it for you to look at me
I’m so tired
So hollow
Moss growing on my insides
Beetles crawling through my veins
Worms eating me out
Oh january
Blur to february
There’s salt behind my eyes
You have to suck them out to get to it
Or just make me cry
Whatever works for you
It doesn’t matter to me
A ghost put lidocaine in my skull
I really can’t feel anything
No trust me its okay
You can hurt me
I won’t feel it
There’s always glue and stitches
But truly
It’s not an inconvenience to me
Please
Cut me open, uncoil my insides, lay me out under your microscopes and sharp eyes
It’s alright if you forget to sterilize your things
Honestly forgo the gloves
Just reach inside of me
I don’t need that bone
I promise I can’t feel anything
Make yourself at home
Tell me that you want me
Maybe I’m lying, but why would you care
