home anthology
Dust mites floating in sunlight through my bedroom window
Dancing and floating and spinning
So much joy for no apparent reason
What was that quote
-Maybe a dead man said
gosh i cant think my window’s open and all i smell is eucalyptus and lilies and winter and home
oh i found it
“It is only in the possession of God that I lose myself. In the height and breadth and glory of the sunshine, the littleness of a particle of dust is seen playing in the sunlight. In the same way, humility is our being, in God’s presence, nothing but specks dwelling in the sunlight of His love.” -Humility by Andrew Murray
i wish you could smell everything, memories are so full of smells, they are my thoughts and feelings and inexpressible joy and heartache and bittersweetness
I dont know if I’ve ever had so much joy and peace in my life, it’s in my stomach and my chest and my throat and my fingers. I just want you to feel it spilling out, I want you to be able to smile so hard your heart stretches and gets smile wrinkles.
I keep wanting to sit down and write something to make something make sense and full and cohesive, but all I have are these overwhelmingly beautiful things in myself that I don’t even know where to start with words and so I write a small bit because the more words I write, the less I’m telling:
-change is beautiful, we change shapes and not everything changes with us
-gods and idols all of my making do not have to make me
-i have all that i need
-good things take time but maybe good things are everywhere and we take time and here i am taking time and all of a sudden time has been taken and is being taken and i’m no longer looking high ahead but i’m looking at my feet and the ground i have stepped on and at the next steps and it is time and it is good because maybe slow was never slow it was just right and good and we’ve been going far too fast and maybe life is never about who we are going to be but who we are and all those tiny habits that make up a person
-the ground that my feet are on and the smells that fill the atmosphere, that is what matters
-kitchen floors
-we are on a planet, gravity holds us to the surface, gravity pulls us to each other, touch and taste
-flour on your hands is always good
(flour on my hands. It’s kinda late and everything looks darker since I don’t turn lights on. Baking something at 11 pm in my grandparents’ kitchen feels like home even though my whole time home hasn’t. Lots of bread and yeast filled contemplations this year. Funny how it’s been a whole year since last Christmas. I’ve got a years worth of reliving everything on its anniversary. Ghosts of last december, pretty words and warm breath hanging in the air)
-stealing a christmas tree is good too, a car full of pine cannot be bad
-my camera is broken and i decided i will buy a new one because life is better remembered through the quiet grain of film
-forgiving is like loosening the shoelace knot in my chest and my hands, bitterness dripping away
went to a coffeeshop i spent the last two years before leaving home,
the barista,
you know the one that looked like dove cameron a little bit
the one that changed the music for us when it was only us there
the one that hyped me up right after i got my first tattoo
she knew who i was
asked how i was, what i had been up to
she graduated, she might not even be here when i come back this summer
somehow the temporary things and places of being known by someone who by all respects is a stranger
feels so deeply like home
